I want to share what the Lord did in my life on Sunday, October 13. I have been struggling with my thoughts and emotions for a while. Some things happened that hurt me, and I struggled with overcoming those and forgiving the people. Also this December my granddaddy passed away and I really struggled with him dying. It really made me begin to question things. Why could I not overcome the sadness? Why did I feel frustrated and sad all the time. I would try to read my Bible and listen to the preaching to glean the Lord’s help during this time. I even asked Pastor Fryman for some verses. I just did not have peace and comfort.
Anytime the end times was mentioned I would get very nervous. I had a fear of dying. Why did I have a fear of dying if I was saved? Why am I so bitter and angry and can’t overcome this? And in the back of my mind, I kept thinking you must not be saved, but how could I not be saved? I lived my life like a Christian should. I desired to dress modestly. I loved my husband. I loved being a keeper at home and serving in my church. I tried to read my Bible. I did not always understand what I read and I figured that was because I wasn’t very smart and I needed someone to explain it to me. I would then rely on devotionals and preaching, and Chad to help me understand it. Chad, what a wonderful, godly man to be blessed to be married to. I desired to follow all the rules that a Deacon’s wife should have so that I may never be the reason my husband disqualified himself as a deacon if you were to ever become one. But why didn’t I have peace? Or maybe I did have peace. Maybe, this is just what the life is like. I would tell myself these things. Maybe every Christian feels this way when they lose somebody, or struggle with hurts and frustrations.
But why was I not OK when we talked about the end times? I made a profession 18 years ago and I really thought “I” did everything right . . . And my family is being blessed and we are serving the Lord. The Lord really started convicting me . . . then I saw Mrs. K and peace that she had after losing her dear husband, and the godly example that he was to everybody, and what kind of loving man he was. I did not have this. I knew that if Chad were to die today, I would be a mess. Then I realized I was replacing Chad as my savior. This poor man was expected to meet all of my needs when I felt down. He was expected to lift me up when I didn’t like something about myself. He was to encourage me. He was expected to supply all of my emotional and spiritual and physical needs. If he were to die, I would have nothing. I do not have that peace that Mrs. K has.
I would tell myself . . . but you can’t get saved now . . . you are in the choir and you serve in so many areas. God is blessing your family. . . you must be saved.
By the way, God was blessing my family, yes, but that is because biblical principles were being put in place, not because of my salvation.
I needed the Lord and I needed salvation. The best example to explain my confusion that I can give as to how I felt was when you have your first child, you’re told you’ll know labor when you have it. You have Braxton Hicks contractions and you think you have labor. You don’t know any different until you have true childbearing labor. I thought what I had was Christianity (boy am I glad it wasn’t).
On Sunday Pastor Josh preached that message on Neiman. When Josh said Neiman needed to humble himself and accept that all he had to do was dip in the Jordan river. That was it. Just dip in seven times and he’ll be clean of leprosy. I realized no matter how embarrassing it was, I needed to humble myself and just have faith and believe that Jesus would free me from my sin, the frustration, the anger, the bitterness, and give me real peace and rest in him.
When I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me to be the Lord and Saviour of my life, I had faith that He would. I am so grateful for God’s long suffering, and mercy.
It is amazing to me how God gives us the desires of our heart. When I prayed I asked the Lord to help me learn to worship Him like I truly should. I never looked outside and saw the creation and thought to myself, Almighty God created this for me. I just saw the pretty leaves of the flowers. I never worshipped God through His creation. When I read my Bible, I didn’t understand it unless I had help to clarify things and I figured that was because I wasn’t smart, but no that wasn’t what was hindering me from understanding God’s Word. On Monday when I read my Bible, He already was a light. He’s already given the opportunity to worship Him through His creation, and I have peace! No depression, no bitterness, or anger! Peace that passes understanding.