I grew up in church from the time I was born. When I was nine, we moved to South Africa as a missionary family. I grew up hearing about God, my entire life, and naturally wanted to go to heaven. Because I had also heard about hell my entire life, I really was afraid to go there. I wanted salvation from an early age, but had no understanding of it. Once, when I was probably nine, I prayed to try to get saved, but I really had no idea about my heart condition and sin. As I grew, I tried a couple more times to pray and get saved. I became a teenager, and was very unsettled. I struggled with severe depression, and was constantly terrified of dying, or of God coming back and leaving me. I had no peace. I was in complete darkness and confusion. Nothing mattered in life because of the fear. I struggled this way for a couple of years wondering if I was saved or not , and searching the Bible for answers
I can’t even remember anything that I read in the Bible during that time, and I don’t think that I understood any of it. But my heart was searching and desperate. One day on April 2, 1999, when I was 16, we were in church for a Good Friday service. In South Africa that’s the holiday they celebrate rather than Easter, so we had services on that day to allow more people to hear the gospel. As my dad was preaching about the death of Jesus for our sins, I was struck by my own sin condition. I felt an enormous burden of guilt for having sent Christ to the cross. God himself died because of me! I couldn’t stand the weight of it! I was desperate to be rid of my sin, and find forgiveness from God. I had been struggling about knowing for sure whether I had gotten saved before or not, so my mind in a split second went through many thoughts. Was I already saved? If not, why not? I didn’t want to add another false profession in my life because I knew from experience that it doesn’t do any good. I questioned why this was any different from any other time I had tried to get saved. Immediately, I knew that the difference was repentance. I had never understood what sin or repentance was before. I had never actually seen myself as a sinner.
Now I was desperate to get rid of that burden of sin and guilt. I didn’t want to wait for the invitation, and figured that there was no need to. I had heard this my entire life. Looking back, I know that I still had much to learn about what actually happened in my heart that day, but as God convicted me and spoke to me, I wasn’t going to wait! I cried out in my heart to Him for forgiveness right in the middle of the service. It was like I could see a light in the middle of my darkness that had lasted for so long. During the invitation after the service, I excused myself to tell my mom that I had gotten saved, this time knowing that it was real. I was happier than I’d ever been! I felt the freedom, the weightlessness of being rid of the burden of sin, and I couldn’t stop singing in my heart to God! Looking back,
I see that the true difference between the previous professions I had made, and true salvation was the presence of God . I wasn’t expecting it that day. I wasn’t necessarily seeking it at that moment or trying to attain salvation through praying the right words, but God opened my eyes and I saw what I had never seen before. He was there, and He was in it, drawing myself to Him. He showed me the “pearl of great price,” and what would I hold back from Him? What would I cling to that I would not be willing to let go of to be saved? Absolutely nothing! It would be foolish and worthless to have anything without God’s forgiveness and salvation. I found that out during the darkness of depression, and now God made that real in my heart. He allowed the severe depression and darkness in my life so I could see the brightness of light and truth, and be willing to leave it all behind for Him. Praise the Lord for knowing exactly what I needed!
I don’t remember a huge change overnight after I got saved because of how I grew up. My sin mostly manifested itself as stubbornness and selfishness. When I look back, though, I can see how God gave me a real burden for others, and a thirst for Him. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but there was a change in my focus. I’m still learning so much as the years go by. God is still working in my heart to change me in big ways. I thank the Lord for His patience and kindness in my life as He continues His work in me! He is still worth letting go of everything else for, and when He asks us to do that, He blesses us for it. What a loving and kind God we serve! We never regret that surrender because of the sweetness and blessing we find in Him.